You made me cry and you don't even care
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
