There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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