The maid of honor just puked.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize