she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
