I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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