mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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