Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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