I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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