You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
