Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I think my moral compass just broke
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
