I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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