you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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