Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
