We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
