Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I feel like a drive thru vagina
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
