I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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