When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
