I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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