why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Randomize