Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
