i was rollin on her like bob the builder
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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