I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
