I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
