I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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