Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
