this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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