put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
