My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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