I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
