tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
