Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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