Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
