i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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