I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
