i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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