she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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