dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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