I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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