you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
And then my night got REAL pukey
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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