I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
