I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize