Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
