My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
