I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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