I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize