dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
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