My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
