She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
