Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
