Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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