don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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