I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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