I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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