Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
my liver is dry heaving
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
