If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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