it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I need a burrito and a hug.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize