btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
