dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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