he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
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