i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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