All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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