I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
