half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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