Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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